I didn’t realize it was holding me back.
I’ve always thought of myself as adventurous and trusting in God to take care of me. I mean, I packed up my car at 18 and moved from California to Wyoming without having a clue how I’d get by after my summer plans ended, but knowing it was where I needed to be I trusted God to work out the details. And boy did He ever come through! First Sunday here, this incredible guy held the door open at church and you could say the rest is history- I mean, like real fairy tale history right there. I’ve been married to that guy for almost 21 years and life with him just keeps getting better! So, why wouldn’t I trust the God who came through like that?!
But, we all fear certain things, right?
I know it’s crazy, but right after we got married and Brad took off on a hunting trip I discovered I was full of fear of being alone at night. Like, I feel like a little kid and am kind of embarrassed fear. But, I hashed it out with God. He showed me that what I justified as normal fear was really a lack of trust, and it’s really a beautiful thing to tell you that when I decided to be obedient and trust Him- my fear dissolved. It took time and work- it didn’t exactly come for free. To this day, I still have to hold up my end of the deal and be very careful what I watch and allow to come into my mind- no scary movies for me- ever. I hold tight to verses out of the Bible where He straight up promises to take care of me- “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10- And I am a completely different girl than I used to be at night, as God strengthens and upholds me with His righteous right hand.
I think getting through that and being reminded of how trustworthy and faithful God is was perfect preparation for clinging to Him in faith when Brad was almost killed in a shop accident just a little while later. God came through again, and I am so thankful He let Brad stick around to keep doing life with me.
There’s something about becoming a parent that opens up a whole new potential for fear. The responsibility for these precious little lives can be overwhelming sometimes! When I have leaned toward overprotecting and keeping all the chicks safe in the nest, Brad has been such a great reminder that they need to learn and grow and stretch their wings and that God will take care of them. In the end, they are not ours, but His and He loves them even more than we do. Plus, His plans are far better than we could ever dream! “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. So, we do our best and leave the rest to God.
As time goes on though, I have found myself a little less adventurous and a little more afraid of getting out there. I love home, so it was easy to say that was the reason, and I’m sure it was at first when we were raising little ones and getting out was harder. As Brad has said in reference to other things- the less you exercise your risk muscle, the weaker it becomes- I think it applies here as well. The more you stay home in safety, the bigger and scarier the world becomes. I love home, I’ll just stay here where it’s safe and comfortable thank you very much. But then I am awakened from my stupor- is living life the best that I can actually staying home in comfort? Isn’t it being ready to step through the doors God opens for you? Being ready to take on whatever opportunities and challenges come your way? It was time to quit making excuses and get out there! A huge part of that has been finding balance, in taking time with Jesus, and also in saying yes.
What about that fear of heights?
Okay, so I’m honestly not sure what to say about this one. I am afraid of heights, and I think a little of that keeps a person alive, but too much keeps you from living. When Chase was little, he had zero fear of heights and anytime we were near a dangerous edge, that little guy was ready to go right over it had it not been for Brad hanging on to some part of him despite his trying to shake free to get closer to the edge. So, I was actually relieved when, not long ago, we went to the cliff on our ranch and Chase said, “Something really weird happened. When I got near the edge, it’s like my belly was trying to go in my throat and I felt really weird!” That’s your body trying to keep you alive buddy. So, maybe some of that is good. But, I think facing it sometimes can be really good for you!
We have a spot called Pin Top on the ranch that is steep shale leading up to a rocky bluff that seemed to be unclimbable. When some friends of ours visited and made it to the top with Shelby and Paige we were impressed! And intrigued. You made it to the top?! How hard was it? You think I could do it? I am so afraid of heights, but a huge part of me wanted to conquer this challenge. So, the girls and I headed for Pin Top.
It really doesn’t look bad from the bottom. I’ve been working out and feeling great so I’m feeling pretty confident. About halfway up it starts to get scary, but I’ve got to do this so I keep on. The girls are like beautiful gazelles, encouraging me along. Wait, this is actually the way we have to go? “Yes, you’ll be fine. Just don’t look down.” Down. Oh goodness, I’m not even going to look but once we make it to the top, we will have to come down. That’s going to be even worse. It is getting pretty sketchy at this point and I’m pretty sure a fall would mean death. Maybe this was a bad idea, but the gazelles make it look so easy. “A little further and it’s just like steps.” Shelby is at the top, and Paige below me- both so patient and encouraging even through the times I have to stop and get ahold of my thoughts.
“You’re almost there, you just have to climb over the dinosaur’s head.” Definitely the most terrifying part for me, and I cling on for all I’ve got- crawling up and over whenever I can muster up some nerve.
Finally, the glorious top. The view is completely amazing! I’m dreading the way down but force that thought out of my head so I can enjoy this view. Crazy impressed with these two girls who made it look so easy.
My stomach hung out in my throat again for the way down, and I evaluated whether or not a fall would kill me with every look down. I was so glad the uncontrollable shaking in my leg waited till we got to where I knew I wouldn’t die if I fell and was so glad once we reached the bottom. I’m not sure how one can be so terrified and satisfied at the same time, and I am honestly not sure I ever want to do that again- but I did it. My fear of heights is still there- but at least I know I looked it in the face and conquered that mountain.
I want to live life the best that I can, say yes to opportunity and not be held back by fear.
