“Don’t get hard.” When he first said it, I just totally didn’t get it. Why or how could I ever be hardened by this place and life I love? What did that really mean?
I had loaded up my car at 18 and set out to discover what awaited me- full of wonder and excitement for this place that had awakened my soul. I loved the people all so honest and friendly- but most of all, I loved the land- wide open all around me. I had gotten just a taste the summer before- enough to know this was where I belonged. This time I was back for good.
Land stretched out for miles around me- the air so fresh and crisp and sunsets full of more color than I had ever seen. The days so calm you could feel the temperature change as you dropped from hills into valleys, catching the smell of an antelope that had just been there before you. The night sky so full of stars it seemed the canopy of black might just burst open. Stars shooting down so close you’re sure you can almost touch them.
Get hard? How could I ever. This place had captivated me with its magic and somehow even convinced me it loved me as much as I did it. It had rained so much that first summer, I had been fooled into thinking green grass and flowing creek beds were a long-term concept- not just a two week stint you had to soak up with every fiber of your being.
This place soon revealed it does not come lined in bubble wrap. It is covered in cactus and filled with rattlesnakes and will snatch your dreams out from under you any chance it gets. It seeks to blast you down with it’s relentless wind and make you just as flat as the earth you’re standing on.
It’s been a couple decades now and this place has broken my heart more times than I can count. I have poured my heart into animals broken down by what this land threw at them, and tried everything I could to save them- only to watch them die; set my hopes on a garden that froze in the middle of summer; seen the hay crop we were counting on to get us through winter go up in flames from a bolt of lightning; crops flattened by hail the day before harvest; another year of drought when you’ve begged for rain-watching with pity as the cattle search for a blade of green grass; felt the sting of bitter cold for countless days when I just wanted to feel the warmth of sun on my face for a moment; been deceived by the ones I was sure I could trust; sat by my husband fighting for his life while trying to make one job a little easier; and had to toughen up countless times to do the thing that terrified me- because out here you have to make do and make it work.
So, get hard? I get it now. It’s enough to tempt you to quit trying, quit dreaming, quit loving, quit trusting. Sometimes I wish I could go back- to see through those eyes full of innocent wonder once again. But, on the flip side- knowing risk and the pain of loss so well, makes the rewards that much sweeter. When life and death are so real- you don’t take them for granted. You know the weight of death and celebrate life.
Nothing draws you to your creator like knowing who gives life and where your food comes from. There is an understanding of Him that doesn’t come so easy in a world of concrete. Surrounded by creation, you can’t help but stay connected to the creator. Nothing brings you to your knees like having to depend on Him for everything.
So, yeah hard. I get it. But I don’t want to be it. How can we stay soft when life is so tough? I go back to the big picture, I shift my perspective. I remember where my hope lies- in Jesus. Not in people, not in this world- not even this beautiful land that I love. “Put your hope in the Lord, He is our help and our shield.” (Psalm 33:20) “For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.” (Psalm 71:5) We can also encourage each other, because unfortunately there will always be a few bad eggs in the bunch and it’s hard not to let them get you down- so it’s important for us to lift each other up. “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” (Hebrews 3:13)
I will always love this place, and the people. I just try to keep my focus on the big picture and keep my hope in the only One big enough to handle it.
The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:18-22
For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.
2 Chronicles 16:9
